Re: My Book i Started

Chapter 1

“This is perfect he will never find me down here; I know every crevice in this tunnel.” I took off as fast as I could, my legs were tired not to mention my whole body ached from the encounter with Damien, but I knew I couldn’t give up and become another one of his trophies. The tunnel was still flooded from the storm and had a lot of debris, but I knew if I could get under the gate at the end it would open up to a dry passageway that lead up to a clearing which would give me the advantage.

“Where in the hell did that fucker go, I know he has to be around here I can smell his scent”. Oh little bitch thinks he can be clever and hide from me in a tunnel “HAHAHA here I come Cornelius!” I yelled before descending into the tunnel after him. I thought to myself, “I have been here before, I knew the surroundings, and I knew where he was going. I laughed at the thought of him being able to outsmart me.”

I heard the echo off the walls, he must be getting close. I had to cover my scent, his senses were too advanced and he was a better hunter then I ever was. I scraped the muddy mold off the wall and rubbed it on myself hoping this would lower my chances of being caught I needed time to recover before engaging with Damien again. After making sure I covered my hair, chest, and legs I took off to what I thought would be my way out into the forest when I saw him standing there. Damien had moved a lot faster than I was anticipating and now he had me. I would be doomed if my plan did not work.

“Well, well, well Cornelius, you are an evasive little shit aren’t you? You must have forgotten this was our playing grounds when we were younger.” He said with his evil smile, his teeth showing trying to scare me.
“Fuck you Damien, just kill me and get it over with, why do you insist on these mind games!” I yelled at him, trying to not show him I was thinking of a way to evade him and get out.
“Haven’t you figured it out by now? I know you’re smarter than the others.” He said with sarcasm knowing I had no idea what he was talking about.
“Figured out what? That your fucking psychotic and need help?!” when I said this he got pissed as expected.

With a blink of an eye he had me picked up by the throat and in the air while he waved his finger in my face saying “When will you learn to hold your tongue brother!” then right before he threw me I gave him a smile which he knew it meant I had planned for this. His face went pale, pupils turned hollow black, and his iris sky blue. Damien was trying to slow down the situation with his adrenaline pumping to figure out what I had done.

When I was covering myself with the mold from the floor and walls, I happened to come across some rope that was there from when we use to collapse certain passageways to keep out unwanted visitors. So I tied the rope to my waist, and ran it down along the edge of my pants so he would not be able to see it. Then I tied the rope to a weak point into the wall which was supporting the ceiling, luckily the rope was covered in mold from the years of being in the dark moist environment. The rope was no ordinary rope this was rope manila rope which was durable, flexible, and resistant to water damage, also known as fishing nets.

He looked up and saw the rocks starting to crumble soon to crush him, and said “If I get out of here alive, Cornelius you will wish you had killed me with your own ….” He was crushed, as dust filled the passageway I swiftly ran to the path which took me into the forest before the tunnel collapsed. As I made my way into the forest I looked up and saw the sun was just starting to set, after years of being alive the one thing I always looked forward to was seeing the colorful sky turn into the unfathomable dark astral night.

I made my way to the top of the Ishi Giant; I had some time to think about what I had just done to my own brother seeing how the tree stood at a staggering 250 feet tall. I never wanted to kill him but at this point I don’t think he would ever be the same, I just hope father will understand the circumstances of the situation and why it had ended like this. This was truly the perfect spot to clear my mind after this un-forgetful day, I settled into a spot right near the top that had a great view of the night, I tilted my head back with my hands behind my head. I could see for miles, and was finally at peace for the time being, I smiled to myself as I slowly drifted off.

Chapter 2

“STOP RIGHT THERE YOU TWO!” father said with his deep booming voice. The hair on the back of our necks shot up when he would yell like this, we knew we fucked up this time. We looked at one another contemplating about just making a run for it, but we both knew it wouldn’t matter; father would catch us in the end only making our punishment worse from trying to evade him. My brother Damien nudged me whispering “What’s our story?” with fear in his voice. “The truth Damien! ,and I mean the truth, you know as well as I do father will be able to tell if one of our stories is off by the faintest bit.” “Ugggh fine, I will tell the truth, but you talk to him first, father has a better bond with you.” Damien said with a little relief in his voice. I looked at him one last time, his long and black hair with a silver strip was hanging down in front of his bloody face. Slowly we turned with our heads down, hands in our pockets trying not to make eye contact.
I started to walk towards dad rubbing the back of my head worried he would not believe our story. “Father I-I… I mean w-we were just scoping out the area and saw this male wondering around where he shouldn’t have been, so we thought we were doing you a favor by killing him and getting our feed for the day.” I made sure to leave out the part where we played pickle in the middle with his hand after we ripped it off from playing tug-of-war with his arms, and that if the male could get his hand we would wrap his arm up good so that he could go get the help he needed to live. Only problem was he never could catch his hand while we were tossing it laughing at him bleeding out, crying for us to stop.
Father looked to Damien for his response, “Honestly father that’s what we discussed before killing him.” “You two will not make these careless decisions! What if that man was nothing more than bait for you two to come out and get slaughtered?” His face got red and was starting to breathe heavy, I could see his massive torso rising and falling as he began to clench his fists with his veins starting to show. If we didn’t have an explanation fast we would be having a father vs sons beat down.

Fuck why didn’t we just run I thought, then glanced over to Damien and I could see he was thinking the same thing. Then I just came up with the most brilliant idea, hopefully Damien would catch on. “W-wwait father, remember you told us before attacking to make sure they were alone? “ Damien made sure he was alone from the training you guys have been working on.” Father looked dumb founded for a second but then looked to Damien and said “Is this true son?” eyes gleaming with pride. Damien almost fucked it up by looking at me in awe on how I turned the situation into appraisal from father. Damien quickly looked back at father “Yes father this is true, you have taught me well just I didn’t want to try to be arrogant and say anything.” Damien said with a smile on his face head up, to show he was going to take the credit. Then he looked at me and got that twinkle in his hollow eyes and winked at me “In fact, his sorry ass couldn’t even pick up the man’s scent; you know how awful Cornelius is.” My jaw dropped when he said this, I couldn’t believe I just saved our asses and now he wanted to be arrogant after saying he didn’t want to be arrogant. This fucker is going to get his ass whooped later I thought to myself before father looking over at me and saying “Cornelius when we get back you will have double the training, your brother is going to have the day off seeing as how his training has saved you guys from being killed.”

Father and Damien took off back to the cove, while I started to walk back trying to figure out how Damien always got out of situations being glorified after using me like a pawn. I mean sure I could have got even by saying I made it all up father we just wanted to kill him because we were hungry and bored, but then we would have both been fucked. Damien was right though I did need to train on my senses, and had to train to be better than him one day. I realized I felt the presence of someone, but knew it wasn’t Damien or Father seeing how they went to the cove which was a few miles from where I was. I yelled “Who’s There?!” looking around to see, then I looked up and saw her flip off the tree landing right in front of me. I didn’t know what to say, father never let us interact with females at the time seeing how it would distract us from our training, but seeing her long red velvet hair, pupils were teal with the iris being a dark green, eye shadow which looked smoky black, she wore a black top which had long sleeves that almost looked like mothers curtains, bell bottoms that were black with purple lining. She was beautiful, fuck what father said! I had to get to know this female.

“Hi, my name is Camellia.” Her breath smelled like fresh blood, and her teeth were pearly white. I couldn’t help but stare with awe. She snapped her fingers in front of me asking with a smile “Are you alright? You look like you have just encountered an Asmodeus.” She chuckled and blushed a little, I realized I looked like a fucking buffoon and said “m-my name is Cornelius, it’s nice to meet you, what are you doing out here?” Her face turned stern and she asked “I could ask you the same thing, but if you must know… I was hunting down that male you and your brother tore apart, it had taken me a few hours to lure him back here away from his group so I could feed. “She put her hands on her hips showing she was upset she didn’t get to have her meal. “Although I must say that was entertaining watching you two play with him like that.” “Thanks, my brother Damien and I are good hunting with each other; we both have our own techniques. “Seeing how you and your brother ruined my dinner I will be on my way, oh one more thing.” She came right up to my neck and took a slow deep breath which sent a shiver up my spine that I found sensual, then whispered in my ear “Next time you find a wanderer make sure he’s not mine or we will have problems, I will see you around Cornelius.”

I didn’t want her to leave I wanted to become acquainted with her “Camellia wait, would you like me to accompany you on your hunt? I have nothing better to do right now” even though I knew if I didn’t get back to the cove soon I would have more than double the training to worry about, especially if father knew why I was late. Camellia looked at me curiously she said “Sure why not, I haven’t hunted with anyone in a while.” On the inside I was excited to finally be able to meet someone outside of our cove, but I showed little enthusiasm as we took off into the night.

Chapter 3

I looked at the sky noticing that I had been a sleep for a while and was hungry; I made my way back down the Ishi Giant with one thing on my mind, time to feed. The night air was cool and smooth against my face as I rushed to town, I could hear animals rustling around as I glided through the forest. I was coming up on the creek that led into town when I stopped dead in my tracks, I had an ominous feeling. I felt the hair on my body stand up and got a blood rush to my head which was tingling; my adrenaline was pumping my fingers tingling, and my sense enhanced. Only I was tense and ready for whatever was coming, I jumped to the nearest branch to see what was coming, but I wish I wouldn’t have. I was gripping the tree so hard at this point I could feel my fingers sinking into the branch almost snapping it in half, my heart dropped into my stomach, because what I had foreseen was an Asmodeus.

The Asmodeus was an archfiend that was the only thing known to be able to actually kill one of us, his teeth were long with bright red tips that were sharper then obsidian, thick black claws which were stronger then Graphene, their skin was dark brown and almost impenetrable, he had black greasy mangled hair that hung down on either side of his muscular body. There was a cult of trained assassins, father use to tell me about them, they would harvest the hide of the archfiend, as well as their teeth, and claws to make weapons to exterminate us. The assassins were a lot easier to fight compared to an Asmodeus, but usually we would hunt in groups knowing that we had a better chance at overthrowing our attacker. Unfortunately I was going to have to take him on myself; damn I was hungry and knew I would run out of energy soon. I took a deep breath and honed my adrenaline knowing this would be a gruesome battle that I may not make it out of .

He sprung towards me and I quickly evaded his attack by jolting to the ground. I noticed when he landed on the ground he wasn’t leaning on his back right leg, I presume his leg was wounded from previous battles. I took the first strike trying to smash one of his eyes but just missed and slid into a tree, he was already hurdling at me with his mouth gaping trying to take a chunk out of me. I quickly rolled to the side, his breath smelled like death, I countered his attack by hitting his ribcage, I heard a few of his bones split; he let out a roar of pure agony, I laughed out loud and said “You should have minded your own you imprudent beast.” I jumped onto his back digging my nails into his neck trying to hit one of his arteries. “Damn I didn’t realize how strong there skin really was” I thought to myself while I put almost all of my strength into making a fatal injury so I could end his merciful life. I barely got my fingertips in before he bucked me off, I flew and hit some boulders alongside the creek, my head hit a sharp rock, I could hear the water flowing with the sound owls hooting nearby, then I felt the warm thick liquid run through my hair and down my back. By the time I got up, the blood had stopped flowing coming to a little trickle. I turned around to prepare for impact when I came to found that the archfiend was nowhere in sight. I looked around frantically for my opponent, I was bewildered and thought to myself “Ok how the fuck did a creature of his stature vanish so fast? He must be around here waiting for me to put my guard down.” After searching for a little bit I decided to continue up the creek cleaning myself up making sure I was aware of my surroundings knowing that after my encounter with Damien earlier, and now the Asmodeus I would perish if I had another encounter if I did not replenish soon.

I made it to the town making sure I was hidden from what humans roamed the streets, perching myself at the top of a strip club. I could hear the loud obnoxious music blaring out into the streets every time the door was opened, followed by the laughter of all the drunken beings that I would soon isolate one to sink my teeth into their throat, letting that warm succulent blood flow into my mouth to satisfy my hunger. I had to be careful though because they had assassins that patrolled the area, knowing this was a popular place for feeding. I hunted here because blood had a sweeter taste after the victim had been drinking; also I got a buzz from the blood which was enlightening. The first couple that came out was tipsy, the lady had long blonde hair with braided hair and was holding on to her partners shoulder mumbling something I couldn’t make out, the man was tall with broad shoulders, bald head with a scar on his face from his eye to chin. He was holding her up saying let’s get you home, I could tell he was healthy and could kill them both quickly with a quick snap of their necks, but I wanted a stooge that was drunk and vigorous. I enjoyed playing with my meal before killing them to get their blood flowing, not to mention their reaction when I reveal to them I was going to cleanse their body of their blood while they looked into my hollow eyes I could see me drain their life from them until their eyes rolled into the back of their heads.

After I watched a few more mindless humans fall down, and stumble their way out into the street and up the brick road, I saw my victim stumble out with his group of goons, he was approximately 215 pounds, between six and six and a half feet tall, he looked like a professional fighter. I was going to kill him but had to wait until the right time. I sat back watching him push them around saying “You guys are a bunch of pussies; I don’t know why I even come here with you pathetic little bitches, I could take you all on right here with both of my hands tied behind my back.” I knew he was considered their superior; two of them out of the six looked at one another laughed hysterically and said “Is that so Josh” with sarcasm then ran towards him to prove him wrong while the other three stood by looking around as if he hadn’t just called them out. The two men tired hitting him several times but they both missed repeatedly, I could see all of their flaws until Josh jumped over the one so he was in the middle of the two; he then jumped again and kicked them both in the chest. I was actually impressed with his technique even though they were all intoxicated not standing a chance against me. Josh laughed with his victory saying “when will you dumbasses learn I’m the fucking best, no one can beat me not even an immortal!” This made my blood boil I jumped off the building into an alley and walked into the street acting like I was drunk myself. After watching drunken individuals for years I had a decent understanding on how to act. I slurred my words saying “I feel like I’m on tup of the wrld, I feal indrztructble.” I knew josh would hear me and sure enough he turned his head eyeing me up. I said to him “whhat you l-looking at, why don you take a picur it will l-last longer.” I saw his face turn red he looked at the 3 who were still standing and said “You guys better take off so you don’t have to witness of this. Make sure you grab the other 2 bitches and take them with you. They all looked at each other shrugged they picked up the two who were groaning and walked off towards the bar probably to get a few more drinks before coming out to meet up with Josh.

Josh was pissed I could see his temple on his head pulsating while he clenched his jaw tightly and said “Do you know who the fuck your talking to? You should learn some manners whether your drunk or not.” I smiled at him and said “I was never drunk I just got bored of watching you fuck your boys up even though it was entertaining. How about ill whoop your ass with my eyes closed.” He smiled at this he held his stomach and threw his body back saying “ Don’t make me laugh” then le lunged at me, I stepped to the side while he swung and kicked all. When he got behind me I kicked his knee backwards and heard a pop, I knew I broke his leg. As he fell over he screamed “AAAHHH WHAT THE FUCK MAN!” I turned to see him squirming on the ground holding his leg with tears in his eyes, I grinned and showed him my fangs then grabbed him up by the throat and leaped onto of the strip club where I knew no one would hear his screams. “Hey man I didn’t know” he muttered while I held him up over the edge and looked in him in the eyes. I could saw the fear in his eyes, and felt his whole body shiver from his head to his feet. I threw him onto the roof I looked at his body in disgust, and asked “You didn’t know what? That I am going to kill you and quench my thirst.” Then he said something that I never expected, “I-I didn’t know it was you Cornelius.”

Chapter 4

I flew at him moving faster than I expected “How do you know my name?” knowing that if he lied I would snap his neck, feed than be on my way. “C-C-Camellia, she said to watch out for you


Re: My Book i Started

let me know your guys thoughts if u have time to read this wink blairick


Re: My Book i Started

Took a minute to read over it. Though the premise of the Cornelius being transplanted in a right-of-passage adolescent vampire setting is interesting; I can't help but feel I can't trust the main character's judgment very well. He seems volatile, sure of himself, and belligerent. This would transition very well if at some point Cornelius was to be bested in some kind of fight that would lead him to find a collection of books, scripture etcetera about vampires in the old ages.

Without the discipline of progress or an element of mystique, it would seem the Vampire angle could easily be interchangeable with Film noir 1940's gang lifestyle. A bit of linkage and continuity is needed between the events during the first 3 chapters (Preliminary sibling fight stating fervent rivalry, Father's confrontation exhibiting predominant presence, Possible playful love interest from an unknown source, Stages of observation and battle with establishing figures and david-goliath standpoints) as most of them are all more or less briefing stages to the reader.

I am to establish all of these details as simultaneous events before I even know what the story is. I feel these chapters could be spread around the book until one subject is covered enough to establish the who what where and when of the main character without just going back and forth between narration and dialogue. The purpose of the story is clear from the feelings exposed by Cornelius, but I feel as though I'm reading about a teenager who happens to be a vampire, than the other way around.


Re: My Book i Started


Re: My Book i Started

I totally agree with decaf, the premise is interesting but you might want to add an exposition to introduce everyone like have it start off with a flashback explaining all sorts of things between Cornelius and Damien. Cornelius should definitely have an "eye-opener" showing how he is not entirely indestructible. You do have some minor spelling errors, but this is of course a preview of your book to come so no worries about that. I personally do feel like the plot line does go a little bit fast. The first chapter seems confusing to me, Damien is Cornelius's brother and Cornelius outsmarts him by having the rocks get thrown onto him. Was Cornelius just sleeping? Or was he just thinking about this happening? What they discussed in the second paragraph does display Damien having maybe a slight superiority complex and not appreciating whats been done for him, but this sheds no light into what the first chapter was about. Like I said before it does seem to go a little too fast, Cornelius kills Damien in the first chapter, Cornelius saves Damien and himself from their father in the second chapter, and Cornelius hunts down someone who knows Camellia. You should go into more detail between the three chapters and make a good foundation for your book before going and creating the rest of the chapters. It's better to have three good chapters then ten jumbled ones. I really did like this preview so don't think I absolutely hate it. It's far superior then what I could even begin to write. I'm a terrible author. It just needs a little more detail and exposition.

Good Job Blair,